the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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