sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
