I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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