True but thats because hes a fetus.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
