I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I said "one day" and that day is not today
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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