And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
