The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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