Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
