I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Randomize
