when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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