I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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