I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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