mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
