A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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