Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
