I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
