my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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