I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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