whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
