remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
