Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My vagina is officially offended.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
