Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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