I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
