if i can run in heels then i can drive
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
