Barsexuality is the new black.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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