Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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