apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
