I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
