I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
