i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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