My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
