I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
