Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
