she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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