I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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