The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
