I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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