yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
