I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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