I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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