I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
