It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
