i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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