Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
