can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
