I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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