i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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