Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize