Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
