he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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