final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
