I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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