I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
