I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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