I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
