You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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