I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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