hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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