TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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