Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
