I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
